OCEANSIDE, CA—Extending his arm as an invitation to serve as her escort, local gentleman Peter Groff reportedly offered to walk his date to her final resting place Tuesday after a lovely dinner together. “Don’t be silly—it’s no trouble at all for me to make sure you get to your shallow, makeshift grave in one piece,” said the well-mannered 37-year-old, tightly squeezing his date’s hand as he insisted on accompanying her to the place where she’d draw her last breath. “Surely you will permit me to walk you there at a brisk pace away from the restaurant’s surveillance cameras? Come now, let’s take the scenic route that’s less within earshot of any potential witnesses. I know the cutest little out-of-the-way hole-in-the-ground—you’re going to love it.” At press time, the gentleman told his date that he didn’t mean to be presumptive, but he had already taken the liberty of selecting a ravine to dump her body in.
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