ATLANTA—Saying that when it came to manual strength and dexterity the only options were to “use it or lose it,” the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a new set of health guidelines Wednesday that recommended a minimum of six hours of daily clicking for healthy fingers. “To ensure that your fingers remain both limber and strong throughout your lifetime, we advise spending up to half of your waking hours clicking on internet links,” said CDC director Mandy Cohen, noting that studies have shown an increased risk of rheumatoid arthritis and lower bone density in the digits of people who do not click over and over again, without pause, for at least 25% of their lives. “Starting young is essential, though children under the age of 5 may begin with four hours of daily clicking and work their way up to the minimum of six by the time they begin kindergarten. Unfortunately, if a person does not begin tapping on hyperlinks when they are young, there is a 90% chance that by the time they reach adulthood their fingers will shrivel up and fall off completely, leaving them with forelimbs that terminate in a stump and make it more difficult to use the internet.” The CDC highly recommended clicking on websites like TheOnion.com for the best results.
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