CORNWALL, ON – Jacob Ryland, 4th grader at Rose Elementary, got the best news of his life at 1:48PM last Wednesday when he was asked to pack up his things and go to the office to meet his mother for a doctor’s appointment he had completely forgotten about. Jacob’s jealous classmates stared in awe as he quietly exited the art-project lined classroom with an oversized knapsack full of homework he may or may not do.
The student and dinosaur-lover humored his mother, Marcy, with mom-friendly details of his shorter-than-usual school-day as they made their way to the family’s pediatrician.
As his dopamine levels gradually returned to normal, Jacob started to observe the world around him. He was disappointed. “What’s everyone doing, mom?” enquired the 10 year old, expecting a carnival of fun, games, and junk food beyond the school walls. “How come no one’s eating pizza?”
“What do you mean, sweetie? Everyone’s at work right now.” said Marcy, in a failed attempt to quell her son’s confusion. “Work…?” He asked.
The mother and insurance broker at CIBC realized that her son just made the earth-shattering revelation that adults don’t spend the weekdays watching iPad, eating candy and playing video games. “Every child goes through this at one point or another,” explained University of Guelph child psychologist, Rudy Stamberson. “Between the ages of 8 and 10, most kids realize that the stuff we adults are doing during the daytime is just a lot of vaguely organized boring horsecrap.”
On the drive home, the shellshocked Jacob gazed up at the tall, window-riddled office buildings as reality began to set in. He barely even touched his post-doctor’s visit McDonalds. “But dad goes on his computer all day…” he asked, in a last-ditch effort to reverse the new reality that was setting in. “Dad isn’t playing League of Legends, dear. He’s working,” explained Marcy. “Computers can be used for things other than gaming.”
Jacob got confused again. “But when we visit Daddy at work, he’s always playing Solitaire.”
“This is a coming-of-age moment for the boy,” explained Dr. Stamberson. “As he gets older, he’ll have many more experiences like this. One day he will graduate from university, and see just how bad it really is. For now at least, Minecraft will take his mind off things.” She continued, “until he becomes video-game resistant.”
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