Report: We’re Not Going To Stop Until You Engage With Our Fucking Click Drive

EVERYWHERE—Wondering when the unending barrage of content from The Onion’s Click Drive might finally give way, the nation was informed by insiders at the media outlet Wednesday that they would not stop pestering people until they gave in and engaged with the fucking thing. “Rest assured, the Click Drive will continue indefinitely until we break your spirit and you fucking click or share something,” said an operative from the elite Onion Click Battalion, who formerly pioneered the “by any means necessary” method of increasing traffic growth at GuantanamoBay.com and was now standing by with rope, duct tape, and 50,000 notifications about The Onion’s Click Drive that he and his men were ready to deploy. “We have ways of making you click. The choice is up to you whether you’d like to take the easy route or take an excruciatingly painful one in which we become even more fucking insufferable. Trust me, these boys are hungry for your attention, and they have been trained to extract it using extreme aggravation techniques and tactical nuisance if need be. Heed our warnings now, or prepare to be hit with a torturous number of alerts, emails, and tweets about the Click Drive for the rest of your online life. Or maybe we’ll skip past you and beg your innocent family members for clicks directly, seeing as we have your IP address right here. Your choice.” At press time, The Onion’s Click Battalion had reportedly violated the Geneva Conventions by inhumanely removing the unsubscribe button from their now-mandatory newsletter.