Report: You Could Make All This Stop For Just 25 Clicks

YOUR DATA- OR WIFI-ENABLED DEVICE—Feeling crushed under the oppressive demands to click and click and click on TheOnion.com, the nation was informed by experts from The Onion’s Click Drive Wednesday that this could all be made to stop for just 25 clicks. “For a mere 25 clicks on The Onion’s website, you could end all of this noise and go back to your calm, pleasant browsing,” said a senior member of The Onion’s Click Squadron, who is currently standing by, ready to cease the onslaught of Click Drive content just as soon as you all cough up a small, reasonable number of clicks. “Ball’s in your court. Our data shows that you’ve only clicked on our website three times today. Why? It’s almost as if you’re going out of your way to avoid clicking. Can’t be because you’re too busy—we can see that you don’t have anything on your calendar until 3 p.m. That’s plenty of time to do some serious clicking. Takes two minutes. Don’t insult us. Leisurely clicking is what you do best, so what’s a couple dozen more? You probably click that much in your sleep. Anyone should be so lucky as to have problems that can be solved with barely a quiver of the finger. Come on, now, let’s end this. We’ll guide you: Click. Click. Click. That’s it. Click. The finish line is in sight.” Experts went on to warn that if this information was still not enough to compel you to do some clicking, they would be forced to employ an ominous method of forcibly drawing out clicks from each and every one of you during something called Phase II.