CHARLOTTE, NC — Based on the response to his Easter sweater, megachurch pastor Steven Furtick announced today that he would be releasing a line of “Chastity Wear”, guaranteed to keep members of the opposite sex at a very, very safe distance.
“Have you been looking for wardrobe options that will ensure no human being will ever want to be intimate with you? Well, look no further!” exclaimed Furtick, donning a torn pink garbage bag. “These clothes are like a cheat code for virtue!”
The new clothing line will feature both men and women’s apparel designed for the sole purpose of repelling anyone who could conceivably be attracted to the wearer. The clothing line will also offer tailoring options to ensure that no item comes anywhere close to remotely fitting. Each purchase will come with a money-back guarantee that the wearer will never, ever experience any sort of romantic interest whatsoever.
According to sources, Furtick launched the clothing line after realizing it could make him an enormous amount of money and might plausibly have something to do with Jesus. The shirts will cost $2,000 and come with a vaguely inspirational card that may or may not have anything to do with the Bible.
At publishing time, customers had reported the clothing line to be incredibly effective at maintaining chastity as well as frightening small children.
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Babylon Bee
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