SILVER SPRING, MD—Urging all 340 million Americans to avoid filling up in order to better enjoy the evening’s meal, the Food and Drug Administration issued a warning Thursday that if the U.S. populace ate now, it wouldn’t be hungry for supper. “Our findings suggest that if you have a snack right now, you’ll just spoil your dinner,” said FDA commissioner Robert Califf, who struggled to suppress frustration as he noted that whoever had made the nation’s dinner had spent hours ensuring it was delicious and nourishing. “The American people have had enough Ritz Crackers today. In fact, it’s late enough that they don’t need anything else until dinner is served. And if they skip that, they’ll be hungry in the middle of the night. So just be patient, and if you need anything, we’ve approved some carrot sticks.” The FDA went on to issue a related finding suggesting that if Americans were unable to stop snacking there was no way they were getting dessert.
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