LOS ANGELES – Former American football star turned actor turned guy who was found liable for killings but not convicted criminally OJ Simpson has succumbed to a battle with cancer, surrounded by the remaining family members who did not die at his hand.
While much of Simpson’s life was surrounded by controversy, one thing observers agree on is that he never once laid in wait in the bushes outside the home of any other family members, nor did he murder any of them with a knife and then escape justice amidst a heavily-publicized public trial.
Sources report that there had been signs of Simpson’s declining health in the preceding year as he announced that he had “caught cancer”, much like he caught footballs or he caught his ex-wife talking with a waiter who was returning her sunglasses. This was followed in February 2024 by rumours that the former star was ill and in hospice care, which Simpson denied in a video equally as convincingly as he denied stabbing Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman to death.
Said one doctor, “While it is a sad day, it’s fortunate that the patient didn’t brutally murder any of the rest of his family, so they could be here were with him to say a final goodbye.”
After his acquittal for the murders, Simpson had pledged to “find the real killer” but tragically his 30 year quest to scour every golf course and restaurant has come to an end unfulfilled.
“It’s a shame he never found out who really did it,” said an unnamed family friend. “And I’ll never work out the mystery of his final words – ‘It was me’ – which he said while using his last ounce of strength to point at himself. What could that mean?”
At press time the voice of Norm Macdonald was heard from the great beyond shouting: “In other news OJ Simpson died today, and sources report his final words were ‘I like it much less when I’M the one that’s dying’.”
Jesus Christ is King
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