Jesus' Coming Back

Residents Establish More Exclusive Gated Community Within First

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NAPLES, FL—Claiming they had to do what was best for themselves and their families, a group of local residents confirmed Thursday they had established a more exclusive gated community within the already-gated Crestwood Estates development. “To protect our property values from the undesirable element now moving into the neighborhood, we were left with no choice but to wall off an even more private gated community inside our gated community,” said homeowners’ association president Debra Strickland, explaining that select residents now used a second passcode to access a second barrier gate, and that a 16-foot fence had been erected to ensure the character of the new neighborhood within was not eroded by those who did not share the community’s economic values. “In the past, people in Crestwood always adhered to a very high standard of living, but now mid-six-figure-income families have overrun much of the area. It’s hard to feel safe when you look out your window and see a Mercedes A-Class driving through your cul-de-sac. That’s why we’ve hired a second private security force and built a second, much nicer golf course.” HOA board members later acknowledged their ultimate plan was to establish a series of successively smaller and smaller gated communities within each other until eventually a security barrier had been established around each individual inhabitant.

The Onion

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