Everything We Know About Arizona’s 1864 Abortion Ban

Luckily the Arizona Supreme Court believes statehood begins at conception.

Women are exclusively referred to as “varmints” throughout the law’s text.

In 1864, women actually had far more rights than men, who at the time weren’t even allowed to vote.

If the pregnancy is a result of rape, the mother and her rapist will share a jail cell.

Although the bill dissolved when Arizona Chief Justice Robert M. Brutinel removed it from its protective chamber, he did go on to say “Oops” and stress that he had read it a bunch and “pretty much” remembered everything it said.

Unsurprisingly, science wasn’t as advanced back then.

See, it’s not so bad! Once again, these sluts are overreacting.

The only case in which a pregnancy can legally be terminated is if a sovereign sperm decides to secede from the egg.

Just seems like something they should be taking action on instead of this.

Since the overturning of Roe v. Wade, it’s now up to states to figure out new, exciting, fucked-up ways to ruin women’s lives.

It’s even become the cornerstone of the state’s new national tourism campaign.

Legislators in 1864 required all women to have a hole bored through their skull in order to cleanse their head of demons.

Even though the school would not be formed until 1885, the law knew these women were built differently.

Long before English became the language of the land in the early 20th century, a strange and unnameable language was used that caused the eyes of those who read it to openly bleed and drove mad anyone who dared speak its syllables aloud.

Best not to take chances when dealing with a permanent underclass.

Regardless of how developed their fetus was at the time, women were required to put it in an army uniform and give it a musket.

Without abortions, they’d lose tuition from half of each class.

In Arizona, when doctors take the Hippocratic oath, they have to acknowledge that God will smite them for saving a woman’s life.

All legislators from the period were illiterate, so the current Arizona Supreme Court may have been somewhat liberal in its interpretation of this single giant X.

Lawmakers tried to capture every possible cause of pregnancy in this addendum.

The local horse farm paid 30 cents to run a full-page ad mid-bill.

The bill comes with a gun that legislators can use to hunt down women who dare to break the law.