BANGOR, ME—Tearing away the pall of shadow and misery that had once cloaked his whole existence, an extra egg roll mistakenly thrown into a takeout order at local Chinese restaurant Panda Palace reportedly became Allen Russo’s sole reason for living this week. “There is hope in this bleak world after all,” said Russo, dropping to his knees and weeping with joy as he held the miraculous third deep-fried Chinese roll before him, its golden-brown wrapper shining like a flaming torch in the darkness of sheer existence and guiding him onward with a spark of possibility that there could be better times ahead. “Oh my God, good things really do happen. If a fry cook might accidentally drop an additional appetizer into my orange chicken order, then maybe all is not lost. God bless this egg roll. It has taught me to dream again—of a brighter tomorrow, of a glorious new day in which we are all graced with cabbage and shredded meat rolled into a crispy and delicious package. Perhaps on my next visit they might even remember to include chopsticks and some napkins in my takeout bag.” At press time, sources confirmed the man had been plunged back into a deep and inescapable depression after burning the shit out of his mouth on the appetizer.
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