ASHGABAT, TURKMENISTAN—Putting her aspirations on the back burner for now, new mother Akja Charyeva told reporters Friday that she was forced to put her dream of becoming a Central Asian dictator on hold. “However much I want to bring the Turkmen people under the rule of my iron first, I have to prioritize taking care of my newborn,” said Charyeva, noting how frustrating it felt given that she spent her entire 20s positioning herself to become a despotic tyrant of the upper-middle-income former Soviet republic. “This wouldn’t be an issue if Ashgabat had a better daycare system, but the way it is, I just don’t have time to slaughter the opposition and consolidate power. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to be a mother, I am. I just wish that didn’t also mean having to give up total unchecked power over an insular, fossil-fuel-rich nation.” At press time, a determined Charyeva was seen amassing a militia of army defectors while her child slept in her crib.
Jesus Christ is King
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