Nobody In Entire Dodgers Organization Has Heart To Tell Ohtani What Going On With Interpreter

LOS ANGELES—Confessing that they couldn’t stand the thought of bursting their teammate’s perfect little bubble, sources confirmed Friday that nobody in the Dodgers organization had the heart to tell Shohei Ohtani what was going on with his interpreter. “Currently, Shohei has zero clue about the controversy surrounding his close friend and translator Ippei Mizuhara, and frankly, no one here wants to be the one to tell him,” said Dodgers GM Brandon Gomez, adding that despite the media frenzy over the past several days, Ohtani was still blissfully unaware that his colleague had allegedly stolen over $16 million of his money, placed bets with an illegal bookmaker, and was now facing federal charges for bank fraud. “At first it was great because we didn’t want Shohei to get distracted by all this and have it hurt his game, but now it’s been way too long. We’re going to look like total assholes if we tell him that his interpreter betrayed him, got involved in the mafia, and might go to jail for over 30 years. Maybe it’s better if he never finds out.” At press time, Gomez told reporters that maybe at this point it would be easier if the entire Dodgers organization just collectively pretended like Ohtani’s interpreter had died.