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LOS ANGELES – With the passing of former football star and double homicide enthusiast OJ Simpson, the family has announced that the funeral procession will take the form of a highly-televised low-speed chase down the Los Angeles interstate.
In accordance with his last wishes, Simpson’s casket will be loaded into the back of a white 1993 Ford Bronco and driven to his funeral with dozens of LAPD cruisers in tow, ideally while millions of Americans watch live in their homes.
“Mr. Simpson was extremely clear on this,” explained Jeffers Paulson, of Paulson’s Funeral Home in Pasadena. “If enough news copters aren’t following the Bronco, then we’ve been ordered to turn back and do another lap.”
While Simpson’s dying wish to turn his death into another seminal pop-cultural touchstone was quite explicit, several of the logistics have proven difficult.
“They don’t exactly make a lot of Broncos anymore for some reason,” explained Paulson, searching through a series of Facebook Marketplace used car ads. “Also, people who had white broncos back in the day all seemed to get rid of them pretty quickly in the early to mid 90s. Weird.”
Additional requests in Simpson’s last will and testament include a surprise eulogy by Kato Kaelin, bouquets of slighty-too-small gloves (which actually totally fit), and a command performance by the surviving members of the Dancing Itos.
In lieu of flowers, Simpson’s will has requested that mourners send copies of The Naked Gun, which it’s felt always kind of weird to enjoy him in, but now it’s extra weird.
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