Parenting Experts Warn Of Negative Effects From Sealing Newborn For Years Inside Chamber Made Entirely Of Glowing Screens

ITHACA, NY—Describing the environment as inadequate for the cognitive development of children, parenting experts at Cornell University warned Wednesday that sealing a newborn for years inside a chamber made entirely of glowing screens could have potentially negative effects. “Studies have produced very concerning data on locking infants inside a windowless room in which every surface is a screen and then leaving them there to be raised by iPads, smartphones, and TVs,” said psychologist Talia Schecter, indicating that when children finally emerged from such cramped cells in their late teens, they were often so mentally underdeveloped that their capacities appeared limited to drooling on themselves and loudly humming the Peppa Pig theme song. “It might seem like a good idea to distract a noisy infant with 10 or 20 years of constant, inescapable Minecraft. But the end results speak for themselves: Young adults who have trouble socializing because they can’t understand three-dimensional space and who will attempt to murder anything nearby that isn’t shaped like a Nintendo Switch.” Schechter confirmed that on the positive side, such children commonly emerged from their digital cocoons with an inexhaustible knowledge of all intellectual properties owned by Disney Entertainment.