Congress Quickly Passes Funding For National Night-Light After Waking Up From Scary Dream

WASHINGTON—Calling an emergency session around 12:39 a.m., Congress quickly approved a bill for a national night-light Monday after waking up from a scary dream. “While we’re definitely not afraid of the dark, keeping a light on somewhere in the United States will be a source of comfort and make it easier to fall asleep, especially when we’ve awoken from a nightmare to find ourselves in a pitch-black nation,” said Sen. Chris Coons (D-DE), co-sponsor of the Scary Monster Act, which was passed unanimously by both the Senate and House of Representatives and allocates $128.4 million for an orbital night-light that will provide a dim source of illumination to the entire country as it sleeps. “This legislation provides sufficient funds to construct a massive night-light in a fun shape like a soccer ball, or maybe a dolphin or the moon, and it can stay on until the nation gets a little bit older and doesn’t need it anymore. It may also be useful when an elderly country like England or Japan comes over and needs to find its way to the bathroom in the middle of the night.” At press time, sources reported that lawmakers had gone back to sleep, woken up again, and begun authoring a resolution in which they expressed remorse and said they hoped the nation wasn’t angry that all 535 members of Congress had wet their beds.