NEW YORK—Provided with a bullish catalyst as the world was cast into perpetual darkness, brimstone stocks rose Tuesday on news that the Antichrist had ushered in the Age of Eternal Misery. “Common shares of brimstone surged to all-time highs after the Antichrist announced a new era of pestilence and never-ending woe,” said hedge fund manager Wayne Rebhorn, who explained that brimstone futures had been climbing ever since the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse burst onto the scene, disrupting incumbent false prophets. “We expect infernal flames of despair and agony to be the prevalent theme for the next millennium at least, with brimstone being one of the largest beneficiaries of the macro trend. Given the rise in investor interest in objects of human torment, today’s brimstone prices certainly aren’t cheap, but there are still gains to be had when you factor in all the ungodly who will need to be cast into fiery lakes of burning sulfur.” At press time, forecasts had projected that brimstone could grow to be a $40 trillion industry by the End Times.
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