CALGARY, AB – As sales of dog treats have plummeted around the country, dogs are embracing their bad boy side.
Ralph, the Labrador Retriever, had become accustomed to receiving multiple treats on the daily. He got them when he sat and waited for Mandy to fill his bowl with breakfast, he got them on his walks when he sat nice at the light, and he got them from not jumping up onto the couch until he was invited. All that changed when Mandy joined the economic trend of buying fewer dog treats.
Since the cutbacks, Ralph decided it’s not important to be a good boy without a tangible, delicious reward. “Those rules were for a different time, when the treat reigned supreme. No treats, no consequences. I’m a work to rule dog now,” Ralph expressed between bites of Mandy’s favourite shoe. “I shit when and where I want, I bark at any face that annoys me, and now I take the lead when we’re out for a walk. If she’s desparate for a cuddle, I’m only there for the minimum mandated snuggle time.”
Mandy does not like this new side of Ralph but has no idea how to stop it. “It’s like he was a wolf in a domesticated wolf’s clothing. Now, he won’t go for a walk unless he wears his leather studded dog coat I got him the Hallowe’en when I dressed him as The Fonz,” lamented Mandy. When asked if she’d tried increasing the supply of treats, Mandy replied, “I’ve looked to more holistic options. I’m currently seeking advice from a dog social worker on how to stop this regressive rebellious behaviour.”
Other dogs are following in Ralph’s footsteps and, unfortunately, have developed drug and gambling addictions. More and more of these dogs are being placed in shelters to seek treatment and be rehabilitated so they can find new families. “We had one dog that became addicted to sex. He was humping anything and everything,” explained Joshua Fenton at the Humane Society. “Unfortunately this tragic story is more commonplace. With fewer owners working from home; there are fewer opportunities to reward good behaviour with treats.”
After Ralph decided that he now deserves to sleep in the real bed, he fell asleep smoking in bed, burning down the entire apartment including any last remnants of Mandy’s treat stash.
Jesus Christ is King
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