Janet Yellen Unveils Plan To Boost Economy By Stealing World’s Largest Diamond

WASHINGTON—Calling the elaborate heist a surefire way to keep unemployment rates low while combating inflation, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen unveiled a plan Wednesday to boost the U.S. economy by stealing the largest gem-quality diamond ever found. “The Cullinan Diamond has been behind lock and key in England for years, but thanks to a vulnerability that my team found in their ventilation system, it’s the perfect solution to widespread indicators of suppressed consumer sentiment,” said Yellen, who appeared in an all-black skintight outfit as she described the laser grid system, pressure-activated tiles, and ex-Mossad security force that protect the 3,106-carat gem in the Tower of London. “We sell this baby on the black market, and we knock out our sovereign debt in one fell swoop. I’ve already recruited Johnny Andrizi, the best safecracker in the business, fresh out of a stint in Rikers. We’ve got Haoyu Li, a Chinese contortionist. And then there’s Fed chair Jerome Powell, who specializes in liquidity requirements and economic stress tests. He’s only on hand if shit goes totally off the rails.” At press time, a stunned Yellen had reportedly lifted the glass containing the diamond to find it empty except for an ace of spades, the calling card of Japanese finance minister Shunichi Suzuki.