Man Searches Through Amazon Jungle For Uncontacted Tribe To Tell Them He Does Crossfit

CHIRIBIQUETE — A historic expedition went underway this week, as a dedicated man began his search through the most remote reaches of the Amazon jungle to find an uncontacted tribe of natives so he could tell them that he does Crossfit.

Bryce Garber began planning the perilous trip after running out of family members, friends, coworkers, mailmen, baristas, fast-food workers, telemarketers, homeless people, and total strangers in his life that he could tell he does Crossfit.

“I’ve got to find people who haven’t heard yet,” he said to the team of support staff he assembled for the journey. “Once you run out of people you know to tell them you do Crossfit, you can’t just… stop. You have to keep telling people. You have to work it into every conversation, no matter how unrelated the topic may be. I have to make sure everyone knows… and I mean everyone.”

Garber, who has been doing Crossfit for five years, settled on a mission to locate an uncontacted tribe that reportedly resides deep in one of the most unexplored regions of the Amazon rainforest to tell them that he does Crossfit. “I didn’t choose this, it chose me,” he said solemnly before setting off on his trek. “Don’t worry, though. I’ll be fine. I’m in unbelievable shape. I do Crossfit.”

At publishing time, Garber had gotten word back to his family that he would be extending his expedition so he could make a dangerous trip to visit a tribe of cannibals to tell them he was thinking of switching to a carnivore diet.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.

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Babylon Bee