Take our test to see if you’re enough of a shameless, unethical degenerate to serve on the jury of former President Donald Trump’s criminal trial in New York.
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Have you taken the red pill and awakened to the reality that men are enslaved by women in our woke feminist prison colony society?
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If so, then you are possibly too awake to adequately judge Donald Trump. Better go home, drink Mountain Dew, and play some Destiny 2 until he gives you the signal to begin the revolution.
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Have you or a relative ever been employed in the U.S. legal field?
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Dedication to the rule of law indicates a strong bias against individuals who wish to break those laws.
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Can you give us an assurance that you will be fair and impartial and not base your decision in this case upon a bias or prejudice in favor of or against a person who may appear in this trial, on account of that person’s race, color, national origin, ancestry, gender, gender identity or expression, religion, religious practice, age, disability, sexual orientation, or political views?
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Trump’s attorneys have promised to disqualify anyone who doesn’t consciously harbor at least a half dozen of these biases.
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Are you married?
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Commitment to the institution of matrimony is seen as highly prejudicial against a man who despises the idea of ever being tied down.
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Have you previously heard of Donald Trump?
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If not, consider yourself an ideal juror and one lucky son of a bitch.
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Are you less than 8 months old?
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Prospective jurors under 8 months old are not permitted to serve due to their lack of object permanence.
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How do you feel about threats against you and your family’s life?
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Acceptable responses include “cool with it” and “I’ll try anything once.”
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Have you or a relative ever been convicted of falsifying business documents to suppress politically unfavorable information?
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If so, you’re legally required to give Trump some free legal pointers.
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Can anything ever truly be known in this crazy world?
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Whoa, man, that’s deep. Forget about the jury. The trial is off. We gotta think about some shit.
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Are you or one of your relatives from one of the shithole countries?
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Trump’s legal team hopes to claim individuals from countries he despises are not his peers and therefore cannot judge him.
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Have you ever been accused or convicted of a crime?
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Nice try, Mr. Bannon. The judge recognized your liver spots from a mile away.
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Are you a shoe?
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If you said yes, you are disqualified. Legally, shoes can’t be jurors. Not even sneakers or pumps.
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Are you prone to redness, swelling, and/or sudden and severe pain in your feet and ankles?
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If so, you may be showing signs of gout. Ask your doctor if Gloperba is right for you. Also, you’ve been selected for the jury.
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Can you give us assurance that you will not discuss this case on AM radio conservative call-in shows?
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Violating the courtroom exclusive granted to regional talk show hosts with high blood pressure would garner you an immediate jury disqualification.
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How many of your abortions has Donald Trump personally paid for?
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There’s no one in Manhattan who can truthfully say less than three.
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Have you had any romantic entanglements with Lady Liberty that would make you biased in favor of the prosecution?
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Despite the fact that your four-month fling 20 years ago with Libertas herself is unlikely to cloud your judgement, you would still likely be disqualified.
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Are you America’s Mayor?
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Sorry, but Rudy Giuliani is ineligible to serve on the jury due to the judge’s understanding that he is only after the $40 daily payment.
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Did you vote for Winfield Scott in the 1852 election and/or have you promoted the Whig Party’s political activity in any material way?
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If you answered that you aided Old Fuss and Feathers in his peaceful resolution to the Pig War in 1859, you would be disqualified from the jury.
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How much cash do you have on you right now? Can I have $10?
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Anyone who will not open their wallet and give the judge $10 so he can buy himself a sandwich must immediately leave the courtroom.
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Do you read news from any of the following media outlets: The New York Times, the New York Post, The Washington Post, The Daily Beast, or Truth Social?
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Preferring any news source to The Onion is a common sign that a potential juror is a mental infant and likely has a sub-60 IQ.
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Have you yourself ever sent hush money payments through Michael Cohen to silence pornographic actress Stormy Daniels?
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If you answered “yes,” it is unfortunate, because you, as Donald Trump, cannot serve on the jury of your own trial.
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Are you a little kitty cat?
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Aw, so cute. So cute!
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Have you ever eaten at the Times Square Margaritaville?
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If not, you will be disqualified for clearly not being a resident of Manhattan.
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Can you read and write?
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Anyone literate will not be considered a true peer of Donald Trump.
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Have you ever killed anyone?
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If the answer is yes, you’re disqualified from the jury, but also prosecutors might still have some additional questions for you.
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How many threatening texts have you received in the last hour from Ginni Thomas?
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Ginni Thomas has so far helped expel more than 500 potential jurors by sending them several different photos of knives.
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Are you currently a member of a militia? If so, how many people are in your battalion?
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While it is fine for members of Trump’s jury to be part of a militia, the militia must be larger than just a guy and his two buddies.
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Are you extremely stupid with no sense of morality?
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If the answer is drooling on yourself while skinning a live squirrel, you’ve been selected for the jury.
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Are you an ass man or a tits man?
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Only ass men are qualified to judge former President Donald Trump.
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Are you a bewildered, non-English-speaking German tourist who was one moment photographing Foley Square and the next being ushered into the courthouse?
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Congratulations. You have been selected to serve on the jury.
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Are you double-jointed?
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Ah, that’s freaky! Disqualified!!!
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Please assure us that you are capable of following instructions by standing up right now and repeating, “I am the one who is guilty here, and I framed Donald Trump.”
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If you followed the instructions correctly, congratulations! You are now the defendant.
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