Take our test to see if you’re enough of a shameless, unethical degenerate to serve on the jury of former President Donald Trump’s criminal trial in New York.
Advertisement
Have you taken the red pill and awakened to the reality that men are enslaved by women in our woke feminist prison colony society?
Advertisement
If so, then you are possibly too awake to adequately judge Donald Trump. Better go home, drink Mountain Dew, and play some Destiny 2 until he gives you the signal to begin the revolution.
Advertisement
Have you or a relative ever been employed in the U.S. legal field?
Advertisement
Dedication to the rule of law indicates a strong bias against individuals who wish to break those laws.
Advertisement
Can you give us an assurance that you will be fair and impartial and not base your decision in this case upon a bias or prejudice in favor of or against a person who may appear in this trial, on account of that person’s race, color, national origin, ancestry, gender, gender identity or expression, religion, religious practice, age, disability, sexual orientation, or political views?
Advertisement
Trump’s attorneys have promised to disqualify anyone who doesn’t consciously harbor at least a half dozen of these biases.
Advertisement
Are you married?
Advertisement
Commitment to the institution of matrimony is seen as highly prejudicial against a man who despises the idea of ever being tied down.
Advertisement
Have you previously heard of Donald Trump?
Advertisement
If not, consider yourself an ideal juror and one lucky son of a bitch.
Advertisement
Are you less than 8 months old?
Advertisement
Prospective jurors under 8 months old are not permitted to serve due to their lack of object permanence.
Advertisement
How do you feel about threats against you and your family’s life?
Advertisement
Acceptable responses include “cool with it” and “I’ll try anything once.”
Advertisement
Have you or a relative ever been convicted of falsifying business documents to suppress politically unfavorable information?
Advertisement
If so, you’re legally required to give Trump some free legal pointers.
Advertisement
Can anything ever truly be known in this crazy world?
Advertisement
Whoa, man, that’s deep. Forget about the jury. The trial is off. We gotta think about some shit.
Advertisement
Are you or one of your relatives from one of the shithole countries?
Advertisement
Trump’s legal team hopes to claim individuals from countries he despises are not his peers and therefore cannot judge him.
Advertisement
Have you ever been accused or convicted of a crime?
Advertisement
Nice try, Mr. Bannon. The judge recognized your liver spots from a mile away.
Advertisement
Are you a shoe?
Advertisement
If you said yes, you are disqualified. Legally, shoes can’t be jurors. Not even sneakers or pumps.
Advertisement
Are you prone to redness, swelling, and/or sudden and severe pain in your feet and ankles?
Advertisement
If so, you may be showing signs of gout. Ask your doctor if Gloperba is right for you. Also, you’ve been selected for the jury.
Advertisement
Can you give us assurance that you will not discuss this case on AM radio conservative call-in shows?
Advertisement
Violating the courtroom exclusive granted to regional talk show hosts with high blood pressure would garner you an immediate jury disqualification.
Advertisement
How many of your abortions has Donald Trump personally paid for?
Advertisement
There’s no one in Manhattan who can truthfully say less than three.
Advertisement
Have you had any romantic entanglements with Lady Liberty that would make you biased in favor of the prosecution?
Advertisement
Despite the fact that your four-month fling 20 years ago with Libertas herself is unlikely to cloud your judgement, you would still likely be disqualified.
Advertisement
Are you America’s Mayor?
Advertisement
Sorry, but Rudy Giuliani is ineligible to serve on the jury due to the judge’s understanding that he is only after the $40 daily payment.
Advertisement
Did you vote for Winfield Scott in the 1852 election and/or have you promoted the Whig Party’s political activity in any material way?
Advertisement
If you answered that you aided Old Fuss and Feathers in his peaceful resolution to the Pig War in 1859, you would be disqualified from the jury.
Advertisement
How much cash do you have on you right now? Can I have $10?
Advertisement
Anyone who will not open their wallet and give the judge $10 so he can buy himself a sandwich must immediately leave the courtroom.
Advertisement
Do you read news from any of the following media outlets: The New York Times, the New York Post, The Washington Post, The Daily Beast, or Truth Social?
Advertisement
Preferring any news source to The Onion is a common sign that a potential juror is a mental infant and likely has a sub-60 IQ.
Advertisement
Have you yourself ever sent hush money payments through Michael Cohen to silence pornographic actress Stormy Daniels?
Advertisement
If you answered “yes,” it is unfortunate, because you, as Donald Trump, cannot serve on the jury of your own trial.
Advertisement
Are you a little kitty cat?
Advertisement
Aw, so cute. So cute!
Advertisement
Have you ever eaten at the Times Square Margaritaville?
Advertisement
If not, you will be disqualified for clearly not being a resident of Manhattan.
Advertisement
Can you read and write?
Advertisement
Anyone literate will not be considered a true peer of Donald Trump.
Advertisement
Have you ever killed anyone?
Advertisement
If the answer is yes, you’re disqualified from the jury, but also prosecutors might still have some additional questions for you.
Advertisement
How many threatening texts have you received in the last hour from Ginni Thomas?
Advertisement
Ginni Thomas has so far helped expel more than 500 potential jurors by sending them several different photos of knives.
Advertisement
Are you currently a member of a militia? If so, how many people are in your battalion?
Advertisement
While it is fine for members of Trump’s jury to be part of a militia, the militia must be larger than just a guy and his two buddies.
Advertisement
Are you extremely stupid with no sense of morality?
Advertisement
If the answer is drooling on yourself while skinning a live squirrel, you’ve been selected for the jury.
Advertisement
Are you an ass man or a tits man?
Advertisement
Only ass men are qualified to judge former President Donald Trump.
Advertisement
Are you a bewildered, non-English-speaking German tourist who was one moment photographing Foley Square and the next being ushered into the courthouse?
Advertisement
Congratulations. You have been selected to serve on the jury.
Advertisement
Are you double-jointed?
Advertisement
Ah, that’s freaky! Disqualified!!!
Advertisement
Please assure us that you are capable of following instructions by standing up right now and repeating, “I am the one who is guilty here, and I framed Donald Trump.”
Advertisement
If you followed the instructions correctly, congratulations! You are now the defendant.
Advertisement
Jesus Christ is King
Comments are closed.