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DUBLIN, CA—Seconds after the small red dot from a laser-sighted weapon appeared on a slice of complimentary focaccia, witnesses at local restaurant Berevino reported Tuesday they had seen sharpshooting mother Kathy Denton snipe the bread out of her daughter’s hands from 800 meters away. “Everyone be very careful—no sudden movements toward the bread basket,” said 31-year-old Moira Denton, covered in breadcrumbs from a silent blast that reportedly originated from a rooftop a half mile down the street, where her 54-year-old mother was watching through the scope of an M2010 Enhanced Sniper Rifle as part of a covert mission to protect her child from anything that might go straight to her hips. “It’s not safe for any of us to go near carbs when my mother is armed and within range. Quick, send back that bruschetta so she doesn’t break out the flash bombs. Then just stay calm, head slowly to the salad bar, and everyone should get out of this lunch unharmed.” At press time, reports confirmed the restaurant had been evacuated after servers found a remote detonation device attached to a nearby table’s plate of linguine.
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