OTTAWA – After learning the new federal budget will increase the amount of tax paid by people who make more than $250,000 in capital gains in a year, Canada’s richest citizens are demanding their sacrifice be matched by an equal sacrifice from Canada’s poorest citizens.
“Why should I have to pay more just because I have more?” asked Bruce Williamton III, the multimillionaire heir to a grocery store empire. “I worked hard both to be born and to not be disinherited despite my reprehensible behaviour, it is ridiculous that now I have to pay higher taxes on the money that my money makes for me.”
“I demand that when one of the cashiers who works for my family’s company sells her car because she can’t afford gas for it anymore, her profits from that sale should be taxed at the same higher rate that I’m now paying when I sell several of my classic cars because I’m bored with them and also my license has been revoked again. It’s only fair.”
Canada’s monied class is vehement that any sacrifice they are expected to make to help the government pay for the increasing costs of housing, healthcare, and environmental disasters be shared equally by everyone, or ideally be mostly borne by the lower classes who haven’t figured out how to hire their own lobbyists.
“It’s downright criminal to increase my taxes. I’m an ordinary, middle class guy,” said James Howard, an investment banker. “I toil day and night, three hours a day, four days a week, just to be able to afford a vacation home for every member of my family. If the government wants to increase the taxes I pay on the immense profits I make when I sell one of those vacation homes, they should also be increasing the taxes the lower class pays on the minor profits they make when they sell their own vacation homes. Or shacks or tents or whatever the poverty-stricken summer in.”
“Frankly, taxing the poor makes a lot more sense from a psychological perspective,” Howard explained. “Someone who already doesn’t have much money is used to what little they have being taken from them, they’ll handle it better. Whereas I am literally insane with rage at the thought of paying slightly more in taxes, and I will take it out on the next person I see who can’t fight back because of the economic power I hold over them.”
At press time, the 0.13% of Canada’s population that the increased tax will affect were being assured by Pierre Poilievre that when he’s prime minister he’ll close as many hospitals as it takes to get their taxes back down to a level they will still bitterly complain about, but slightly less so.
Jesus Christ is King
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