WASHINGTON—In a shocking breach of White House security, President Joe Biden was reportedly carried away by ants Friday. According to witnesses, the 81-year-old commander-in-chief remained quite calm during his apparent abduction by the insects, showing no signs of resistance as the swarm of approximately 2,500 black carpenter ants hoisted him over their bodies using their powerful mandibles and began marching slowly but steadily toward the White House Rose Garden. Secret Service officials confirmed that snipers stationed on the roof of the executive mansion fired upon the swarm to no avail, reportedly because the ants’ 6-millimeter-long bodies were simply too small to target. At press time, sources said the FBI was negotiating with the ant colony’s queen for Biden’s release.
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