ROME—Following comments that drew an immediate backlash for what critics called an inappropriate and self-serving analogy, sources confirmed Friday that Zebedee Peters, a man who is currently being crucified by the Romans, has continued to arrogantly compare his plight to that of Jesus Christ. “Look, I feel for the guy, but it’s a little conceited to compare yourself to the Son of God just because the Roman authorities ordered you tortured and crucified, isn’t it?” said Rome resident Roberto Bassani, who rolled his eyes as the man trudged through the streets carrying a cross and wearing a crown of thorns while locals spat upon him and mocked his sufferings. “I just can’t believe anyone would shout out ‘Isn’t this exactly that which was done to Christ?’ in the year 2024. Like, seriously, who does that? No one has even soaked a sponge in vinegar and lifted it to his lips. Clearly, this is nothing like the experience of Jesus.” Given that Peters was crucified while on the right of two other prisoners, Bassani observed that it would really be more historically accurate to compare him to St. Dismas, the Penitent Thief.
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