DENVER—Insisting a third party be present when they made the announcement, the nation’s therapists held a press conference Monday in which they refused to see you anymore because you scare them. “I’m sorry, but it frightens us how disturbed and unwell you are, and because of that, we cannot continue on with you as our client,” said psychologist Peter Sanders, echoing the sentiments of thousands of therapists across the country who have emphasized their need to set firm boundaries given your unbalanced mental state and “frankly repulsive” collection of neurotic behaviors. “While we admit we don’t exactly know what your problem is, we can say with certainty that treating it is beyond the scope of our profession. We’ve already given BetterHelp a heads-up about you to make sure none of our colleagues make the same mistake we did, so don’t waste your time trying to transfer to another provider.” At press time, most of the nation’s therapists had been forced to surrender their credentials for being foolish enough to think they could help you with any of your hopeless and unnerving personal issues.
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