SALISBURY, NC—Stressing that he did not need to put up with that kind of attitude, a local skydiving instructor reported Monday that he was not going to open the parachute until you changed your tone. “To be honest, I feel like I deserve more respect than what you’re giving me right now, especially when you’re the one asking me for a favor,” midair parachute operator Chip Lorenz said in a polite but firm voice, explaining that your screams were not only unnecessary, but also highly inconsiderate. “I hear what you’re saying, and I can see this is very important to you. While the concern and anxiety you’re experiencing right are totally valid, that doesn’t mean you’re allowed to take those feelings out on me. You’re doing a lot of yelling as we plummet toward the ground, but nowhere in all those shouts have I heard the word ‘please.’ Now I’m going to need to hear an apology, or we’re just going to continue our current free fall at approximately 120 miles per hour.” At press time, source confirmed Lorenz had sighed and opened the parachute after deciding “Please, please, please, I don’t want to die, don’t let me die, please!” was the best he was going to get.
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