REDWOOD CITY, CA—As the woman held her newborn baby for the first time and acknowledged that she wasn’t exactly sure what she was expecting, sources confirmed Monday that it was unclear why local 36-year-old Rose Jeffries thought the thing she just pushed out of her vagina would be cute. “Well, I guess that’s egg on my face, because I genuinely thought this purplish lump I’ve been growing inside me for the past nine months would be adorable,” said Jeffries, observing that in retrospect, she probably should have known, given that every other time she’s gone to the hospital and had something removed from her body it’s been totally hideous. “I’ve had loads of things come out of my vagina, but I would never call any cysts, growths, or human waste ‘cute.’ I guess I thought this time would be different. But this might be the ugliest thing my body’s made yet.” At press time, Jeffries added that she wasn’t sure why she thought any good could come from having a hairy, out-of-shape man repeatedly shove his penis inside her.
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