Tearful God Admits To Kidnapping Humanity 4,000 Years Ago To Raise As Own Children

THE HEAVENS—Saying He did not expect the species to forgive Him, a tearful God, Our Lord and long-supposed Heavenly Father, admitted to reporters Tuesday that He kidnapped human beings 4,000 years ago to raise them as His own children. “I’m so sorry—I know I’ve always said you were created in My image, but that’s not quite the way it happened,” said God, admitting for the first time that He was not the Almighty Creator, but had abducted Adam and Eve from a now mostly forgotten Mesopotamian divinity who had mixed clay with the blood of gods to bring forth man upon the earth. “I tried so hard to create living things that would glorify and serve Me, but I never could. And when this other god [ancient Babylonian divinity Marduk] came along and created man and woman, it just didn’t seem fair. So on the sixth day, when no one was looking, I grabbed them and ran. To keep your true origin a secret, I gave you a commandment not to worship false idols, but I’m afraid the false idol was Me all along.” God went on to say that the fact that He was not the true creator of humanity explained why He had a thick head of flowing hair while so many among men were bald.