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Tesla recently sought shareholder approval to restore Elon Musk’s $56 billion pay package, which was rejected by a Delaware judge. The Onion asked Tesla fans to explain why Elon Musk deserves the $56 billion payout.
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Paul Suchecki, Paralegal
Paul Suchecki, Paralegal
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“If the inventor of the automobile doesn’t deserve $56 billion, who does?”
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Tyrone Jackson, Brewmaster
Tyrone Jackson, Brewmaster
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“Treatments for whatever makes him like that are probably pretty expensive.”
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Miguel Santos, Cybersecurity Analyst
Miguel Santos, Cybersecurity Analyst
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“I’m not sure why he deserves it, but my Neuralink implant is telling me to keep killing until he gets it.”
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Greg Ipser, Computer Programmer
Greg Ipser, Computer Programmer
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“Ignoring, verbally abusing, and publicly disowning his 10 kids is more expensive than you think.”
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Glenn Morris, Real Estate Agent
Glenn Morris, Real Estate Agent
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“He can use it to buy clothes that fit.”
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Leo Waltham, Lab Tech
Leo Waltham, Lab Tech
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“If we don’t give him $56 billion, how is he supposed to waste $56 billion?”
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Rosemary Jacobson, Delaware Tourism Board
Rosemary Jacobson, Delaware Tourism Board
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“Otherwise he may hold a grudge against the state of Delaware and miss out on our many scenic bike trails and tax-free shopping excursions.”
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Lena Wong, Architect
Lena Wong, Architect
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“It’s gotta be agonizing only having $175 billion in the bank. What if he has a medical emergency? What if he gets laid off?”
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Luca Rossi, Disaster Recovery Specialist
Luca Rossi, Disaster Recovery Specialist
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“Whatever makes him shut up for a little while.”
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Scott Robinson, Unemployed
Scott Robinson, Unemployed
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“After child support, he’d still have, like, $20 to spend on something fun.”
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Nolan Mercer, Student
Nolan Mercer, Student
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“Who else are you going to give all that money to? The workers?”
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Elijah Carter, Environmental Scientist
Elijah Carter, Environmental Scientist
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“He just seems so sad in all the pictures. Maybe this will cheer him up?”
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Byron Clark, Psychologist
Byron Clark, Psychologist
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“I’m pretty sure his birthday is coming up soon.”
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Daniel Green, Pastry Chef
Daniel Green, Pastry Chef
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“The price of ketamine has gone up a lot recently.”
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Ryan Baker, Professional Organizer
Ryan Baker, Professional Organizer
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“The sooner he gets that $56 billion, the sooner he can die on an ill-fated trip to Mars.”
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Sasha Kastelman, Ph.D. Student
Sasha Kastelman, Ph.D. Student
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“I want to see him withdraw that much money in cash, light it on fire with his flamethrower, and yell, ‘Booya!’”
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Claudia Reichardt, Tesla Employee
Claudia Reichardt, Tesla Employee
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“More child support for me!”
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Malik Crawford, Cruise Ship Entertainer
Malik Crawford, Cruise Ship Entertainer
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“Look, if you’re stuck talking to a coked-out Elon, you’d pay anything to leave the conversation.”
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George Ruiz, Fish Culturist
George Ruiz, Fish Culturist
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“His last $56 billion was in one of those autopiloted Teslas that drove itself off the road.”
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You’ve Made It This Far…
You’ve Made It This Far…
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