Trump Held In Contempt Of Court After Stabbing Michael Cohen To Death With Ballpoint Pen

NEW YORK—Violating the judge’s order prohibiting the former president from killing his one-time fixer, Donald Trump was held in contempt of court Tuesday after stabbing Michael Cohen to death with a ballpoint pen. “Given the defendant’s willful and repeated refusal to comply with this court’s instruction not to shank a witness in the throat, I hold Mr. Trump in contempt of court,” said Judge Juan Merchan, responding to Trump’s assertion that he was perfectly within his First Amendment rights to snuff out Cohen’s life using the tip of a cheap Bic pen. “Though this court exercised leniency when the defendant strangled the witness known as Stormy Daniels with his bare hands, let this be a warning to the offending party that any further murders will not be tolerated. Defendant Donald Trump is hereby ordered to pay a fine of $1,000 for each day he continues to use office a writing implement to mutilate the late Mr. Cohen before finally leaving him for the vultures.” At press time, Judge Merchan claimed failure to comply with the contempt ruling—which bars Trump from desecrating the corpse of his former lawyer with whatever office supplies he has on hand during the trial—could result in probation.