TAOS, NM—Returning the snacks to the cupboard a few bites before everything in his life would have fallen into place, local man Mario Rossi stopped one Oreo short of successfully eating away all of his problems, sources reported Wednesday. “Well, I’ve certainly had enough of those,” the 35-year-old said to himself, reportedly not realizing that if he had consumed a single additional cream-filled sandwich cookie, then his attempts to self-medicate his anxiety with junk food would have succeeded spectacularly and resulted in the permanent relief of every professional, personal, and financial stress he was facing. “Ugh, I nearly ate the whole sleeve. What the hell is wrong with me?” At press time, sources confirmed that despite almost succeeding, a depressed Rossi had given up his efforts altogether, throwing the package of Oreos in the garbage and vowing to eat healthier.
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