Jesus' Coming Back

Wild St. Peter’s Basilica Crowd Tosses Around Inflatable Crucifix

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VATICAN—Their excitement reaching a fever pitch as they awaited the supreme pontiff’s appearance for a papal audience, a wild St. Peter’s Basilica crowd grew increasingly fired up Wednesday as they tossed around inflatable crucifixes, Holy See sources confirmed. “Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name—wooo!” screamed dedicated pilgrim Giuseppe Bernardi, 53, one of thousands in the rowdy crowd who downed communion wine, passed around laced eucharist wafers, and sang along to the traditional hymn “On Eagle’s Wings” blasting through the chapel’s loudspeakers while altar boys crowd surfed down along the cathedral’s packed nave. “Is that the Vicar of Christ? The Primate of Italy? Oh my God, there he is! Gloria Patri, baby! Gloria Patri!” At press time, Pope Francis’s sudden appearance to perform the liturgy had prompted Bernardi to lift his wife up on his shoulders so that she could flash her crucifix towards the papal altar.

The Onion

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