LINCOLN, NE—Warning that crime among the nation’s youth was spiraling out of control, law enforcement officials told reporters Thursday that hundreds of teenage shoplifters had gotten their hands on Nebraska and managed to run off with the entire state. “Last night, a large group of teens loitering near the Iowa border crossed into Nebraska and proceeded to steal all 49 million acres of the Cornhusker State,” said Col. John A. Bolduc, superintendent of the Nebraska State Patrol, adding that the suspects, who ranged in age from 13 to 17, had entered through Omaha and, within 30 seconds, smashed and grabbed billions of dollars’ worth of land, loaded it into their cars, and sped away. “Security footage obtained from storefronts and suburban homes shows the theft of Nebraska began at approximately 12:03 a.m. and suggests it didn’t take long for the shoplifters to fill their vehicles with every city, town, farm, and field between the Missouri River and Wyoming. In addition, the perpetrators pilfered all 2 million of our state’s residents, among them the entire membership of the Nebraska National Guard. Unfortunately, this meant there was no one to stop these delinquents as they hopped onto U.S. Route 30 and drove off with a significant percentage of America’s Great Plains.” At press time, Bolduc said authorities had located and apprehended the teenage suspects after finding a listing on Facebook Marketplace that asked $300 for a “large, mostly empty Midwestern state.”
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