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PHILADELPHIA—Triumphantly punching through the air as they dodged an imaginary foe, the shadowboxing nation confirmed this week that they had just rewatched 1979’s Rocky II. “God, the part where Rocky’s training right-handed instead of southpaw—oh, and then the chicken-chasing scene! Man, young Sly always hits just right,” said Joey Rennstadt, one of 340 million Americans who, immediately after finishing the beloved sequel, donned a red headband, threw on sweats, and started sprinting through the middle of the nearest street, making hissing sounds with each punch thrown while searching for the nearest flight of stairs to run up. “Yo, Adrian! Adrian! Yo! Adrian! I did it! Buh-nuh-nah, nah-nah-nah! Duh-na-na, na-na-na, na na!” At press time, the entire U.S. populace had been admitted to the hospital with a detached retina after an ill-conceived plan to join a prizefight.
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