It’s the dawn of a new era in women’s athletics, as they are now open to dudes! While the playing field may seem tilted unfairly, there are some foolproof tactics women can use to make things more even.
The Babylon Bee is here to help female athletes gain an advantage with the following list of useful tricks:
- Punch them in the Adam’s apple: If he can’t breathe, he can’t physically dominate you.
- Throw them off their game by saying J.K. Rowling is your favorite author: It may make them angry, but they’ll become so unhinged that they’ll lose focus.
- Hold up a copy of a Biology 101 textbook: They’ll hiss and recoil in terror, giving you the upper hand.
- Misquote lines from The Lord of the Rings: No man will be able to resist correcting you.
- Distract them with a pan of sizzling bacon: It’s the Kryptonite of every man.
- Pull their beard hair: You have no idea how much that hurts.
- Start playing Tombstone on the Jumbotron: The movie has a naturally hypnotic effect on men.
- Kick them in the nuts: Game over.
It may not be easy to compete against men, but with the tricks listed above, it’s not impossible. Now, get out there and show those dudes that the best man may not always win.
World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.
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