PIERRE, SD — After detailing in a newly released book how she shot a puppy that was too hard to train, Governor Kristi Noem sought to clarify that killing puppies makes up only 3% of what she does.
“Shooting puppies is only a fraction of what I do every day,” explained Noem. “Also, I never use government money to purchase the shotgun shells I use to blow away small dogs. So, it’s fine.”
Governor Noem reportedly cited the long-standing rule in America that all actions are permissible, no matter how barbaric, as long as it comprises only three percent of what a person or organization does. “Whether it’s dismembering babies or blasting puppies, anything goes as long as you keep it to three percent,” explained legal expert Jonathan Stanley. “See, that’s where people like the Golden State Killer went wrong. They let killing creep up to being four, even five percent of what they do. You’ve got to keep that murder stuff to three percent or less – very important!”
At publishing time, Governor Noem had seen an unprecedented surge in approval rating among cats and serial killers.
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