Biden Sets Aside Land West Of Mississippi As Gluten-Free Zone

WASHINGTON—Calling the effort a major step forward in accommodating the needs of allergic citizens, President Joe Biden announced Monday his plan to set aside all land west of the Mississippi River as a gluten-free zone. “Today, my administration is taking immediate action to purge this grain-based scourge from the western half of the country,” Biden said in the announcement, confirming he had already used his executive power to declare a state of emergency, calling up the National Guard to rid the 22-state region of all traces of the protein found in wheat, barley, and rye. “In the coming weeks, we will be doing a controlled burn of any and all fields of cereal grains from Missouri to California. Celiacs, we hear you. Go forth and have fully formed stools.” At press time, Biden had issued an additional executive order requiring all gluten-intolerant Americans to join the Trail of Celiacs and begin marching westward.