If you’re part of the administration of a major university, what you’ve seen on the news may have you feeling rather frightened. Say, for the sake of discussion, a large group of unruly students sets up an autonomous zone on campus and refuses to vacate. What can you do?
The Babylon Bee has come up with the following list of handy ways to quickly and easily remove protesters from your campus:
- Halt all deliveries of pizza rolls and fruit snacks: They’ll be running home to raid their parents’ fridges before you can say “colonizers.”
- Tell them you saw a Jew across the street and he’s getting away: They won’t be able to resist the urge to hunt down one of their nemeses.
- Send in Kyle Rittenhouse: He’ll clear a quad in less than 12 seconds.
- Throw granola bars containing gluten at them: All commies are allergic to gluten for some reason.
- Tell them they have to locate Gaza on a map before they can protest: You’ll likely be left with one or two protesters, tops.
- Put up a sign that says “free drugs and gay stuff this way” with an arrow pointing off campus: We’re pretty sure they’re suckers for drugs and gay stuff.
- Hold a Biden campaign rally: Instant ghost town.
- Run around screaming “I’m unvaccinated!” and coughing everywhere: They may not be afraid to die for their cause, but they are afraid of COVID.
- Pepper spray to the eyeballs: Classic.
Before you know it, your campus will be free of angry, violent commies so your school can go on indoctrinating another wave of young people who want to overthrow the country.
World, meet Travis. Travis, meet the world. In this first episode of our new show Travis Interviews the World, we interview some guy named Jordan Peterson.
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Babylon Bee
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