WASHINGTON—A new report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that the American people still lead the world in identifying precisely which of them they want. “Our findings suggest that U.S. citizens tower above their peers when it comes to pointing out which one they want off the shelf and how many should go in the box,” said report co-author Samuel Levin, describing the adept manner in which Americans pushed their pudgy fingers against a glass display case glass while indicating to a tong-holding employee that no, they didn’t want that one, they wanted the one just to the left with all the crispy bits on top. “What’s remarkable is that unlike those who live outside our borders, Americans can manage to articulate exactly how they want it bagged up while speaking through a saliva-filled mouth. From an early age, our citizens are trained both in how to ask for the one with more icing and in jumping up and down with delight the moment the desired item enters their grasp.” The report added that just behind Americans in identifying which one they wanted were hefty German boys with a penchant for sweets.
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