Best Practices For Policing Protests

While police are well trained to shoot unarmed civilians, plant evidence, and file for overtime, dealing with larger-scale events like arresting several hundred college students can be more daunting. The following are the best practices law enforcement should follow when clearing political protests and demonstrations.

• Lay your militarized tactical gear out the night before so you don’t forget anything.
• Cheat your hips at a 45-degree angle to appear slimmer on cell phone footage.
• Stay hydrated—nothing is worse than a clubbing cramp.
• When dragging protesters, be sure to lift with your legs.
• Blame whatever goes wrong on a severe lack of police department funding.
• Coordinate with other agencies to ensure nobody feels left out of the fun.
• Shoot now, attend mandatory webinars later.
• Just keep swinging until nothing’s moving anymore.