Friend From Red State Fondly Recalls Beloved Grade School Tradition Called ‘Slave Days’

LOS ANGELES—Sharing horrifying and riveting tales with friends who did not grow up in the Midwest, local 29-year-old Iris Pearson fondly recalled a beloved grade school tradition called “Slave Days” this week, according to sources. “Oh, man, Slave Days were the best part of fifth grade–I think at one point I had over 100 slave points,” said Pearson, who seemed oblivious to the discomfort of everyone in the room as she wistfully recalled the week-long, school-sanctioned slavery simulation that everyone from the teachers to the administration to the parents were complicit in. “Wait, you’re telling me you guys didn’t do Slave Days? Well, you missed out. Everyone loved Slave Days. And then once you were in high school, you got to return as a slave master.” At press time, Pearson acknowledged that it did sound a little fucked up now that she had said it out loud.