CANTON, OH—Responding with the excitement of someone who appeared to genuinely believe they were some kind of outlier, local white person Hannah Michaels seemed way too proud that she was using WhatsApp, sources reported Wednesday. “Oh my gosh, of course I use WhatsApp—I’ve actually had it for years, since I studied abroad in Spain,” said a beaming Michaels, who witnesses confirmed immediately pulled up the app, scrolled through dozens of conversations, and proceeded to emphasize how it was the only way to keep in touch with all the international friends she met in ‘España.’ “I love it because I can text and call with my old friends from universidad like Miguel, Carolina, Javier, and even my host mom and dad Diana and Francisco. So many Americans still don’t use it. But I like it better than iMessage!” At press time, witnesses said that Michaels was way too excited to point out that she also used WhatsApp to keep in touch with family abroad, only to accidentally reveal those family members were relatives of her uncle’s new wife, who was born in Brazil.
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