Buttigieg Distracts Americans With Speech While DOT Steals Nation’s Catalytic Converters

WASHINGTON—Speaking slowly in an effort to draw out his remarks during a televised address, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg reportedly distracted the U.S. populace with a speech Thursday while his department stole the nation’s catalytic converters to sell on the black market. According to insiders, Buttigieg’s bumbling, erratic speech about experimenting with new traffic-light colors was merely a ploy to keep the attention on him as DOT officials proceeded stealthily through the country in black ski masks, targeting vehicles and removing the valued car part, which contains platinum and other precious metals. Witnesses told reporters they saw suspicious individuals armed with reciprocating saws and waiting in the country’s shadows until a part of Buttigieg’s speech in which he began speaking very loudly in an attempt to cover up the sound of catalytic converters being sliced out of all 290 million registered cars in the United States. Speaking on condition of anonymity, sources within the Biden administration said they became suspicious of the transportation secretary after he began gloating about “finally getting that bullet train” and insisting that funding for the project would not be a problem because he was about to come into “a whole lot of money.” According to reports, the speech ended abruptly when a visibly panicked Buttigieg received a call on a burner phone in which he was told his crew of thieves had been “pinched by the cops” and were starting to talk.