Cop Too Drunk To Administer Field Sobriety Test

BELOIT, WI—After following a vehicle that had exited the parking lot of Hatley’s Pub and pulling it over on suspicion of drunk driving, local traffic cop Travis Hatcher was reportedly too intoxicated Thursday to administer a field sobriety test. “Hey there, Mr. Speed Racer Man…uh, do you know how fast I was—I mean you were—I mean…,” said the flush-faced and visibly confused police officer, who had stumbled his way to the vehicle and appeared to lose his train of thought while asking the driver if he could walk in a straight line from heel to toe. “Maybe you could do the backwards-letter thing? Or follow my eyes with your finger? Shit, I can’t even find the Breathalyzer. Do you have one?” At press time, reports confirmed Hatcher had accidentally shot and killed the drunk driver while trying to call in the traffic stop on his gun.