Annoying Teen On Train Has Girlfriend’s Whole Face In Mouth

NEW YORK—With multiple eyewitnesses saying the public display of affection on a Manhattan-bound F train had gotten way out of hand, reports confirmed Friday that annoying teen Thomas Hansler had his girlfriend’s whole face in his mouth. “Ugh, if he wants to apply that much suction to her forehead, eyes, nose, mouth, and chin, fine, but they should at least go somewhere private,” said fellow rider Kelsey Trebaum, 47, who complained that even when she closed her eyes, she could still hear unsettling sounds of saliva and lip-smacking that made it impossible for her to tune out the amorous couple. “They were already doing this when I got on at Kew Gardens, and that was a dozen stops ago. That poor girl’s going to have a hickey the size of a dinner plate. How is he even doing that? Did he unhinge his jaw like a python?” At press time, a bystander had reportedly been forced to perform the Heimlich maneuver on Hansler, who could no longer breathe after aspirating his girlfriend’s ear.