17 Days In Incubator Longest Time Premature Baby Will Go Without Being Exposed To Advertising

NEW YORK—Describing the newborn’s stint in a neonatal intensive care unit as a brief, blissful period during which she was still beyond the reach of marketers, sources confirmed Monday that her 17 days in an incubator would be the longest period of her life in which premature baby Rosalyn Williams was not exposed to advertising. According to reports, the baby born at 33 weeks of gestation reportedly fell outside any age-based demographic group courted by firms such as Ogilvy, Omnicom, or Leo Burnett, meaning these two and a half weeks would be, despite her difficulty breathing and feeding, the most tranquil days she ever knew. Her time in an oxygen- and temperature-controlled environment at Mount Sinai Hospital would also reportedly account for the only waking hours in the next 85 years that Williams would spend completely outside the deluge of banner ads, algorithmically promoted content, billboards, podcast interstitials, and television commercials intended to sway her behavior toward or away from a particular political ideology, automobile brand, or snack item. Sources added that unlike the moment she leaves the incubator, there were currently no in-house copywriters at Snackworks trying to get inside the head of Williams and see what would make her interested in a Ritz cracker with sriracha flavoring. At press time, reports confirmed the baby’s 17 days of serenity had been cut short after the walls and roof of her incubator had been sold as ad space.