SAN DIEGO, CA — According to sources, local man Kyle Brannigan has now reached the age where he carefully checks the alcohol by volume number on every beer before consuming it.
“Ooo this creamy imperial stout looks good,” said Brannigan while looking over a beer label at a weekend birthday celebration. “Oh wait… 9.7% ABV? What are they, crazy? I can’t handle that!”
“Maybe a Belgian tripel. That might be more reasonable,” he said to himself as his friends stepped in to help.
“You might want to sit down to hear this,” his friends began as they tried to conceal their pity for the poor man. “You might want to stick to pilsners or cheap American beers. Those are usually around 4-5%. Honestly, at this point maybe it would be best to just switch to water. Have you tried water lately?”
“Nooooooooooo!” erupted Kyle in the middle of the pub as his pals sympathetically patted him on the back. “I won’t drink Miller High Life! You can’t make me!”
“The night went downhill from there,” recalled Kyle’s friend Ben several days later. “Now he religiously checks the can or bottle for that ABV%. I thought it was OCD at first because even while he was drinking something, he would keep checking it to make sure he would be okay.”
At publishing time, Kyle was still in recovery after throwing caution to the wind and drinking a creamy imperial stout.
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