Poll Finds Most Americans Want Immigration Reform That Includes Making Up New Last Names For People Again

WASHINGTON—Showing wide-ranging approval across all demographic groups regardless of political affiliation, a new poll from the Pew Research Center found Monday that the majority of U.S. citizens want immigration reform that includes making up new last names for people again. “Our data show that most Americans do support immigration, so long as it results in a surname like Martinelli being changed to Martin, and a family named Svoboda or Cieślewicz winding up with something totally different, like Phillips,” said Pew researcher Norm Hanover, citing a rise in nostalgia for a past in which names were changed because a misspelling on a ship’s passenger list became permanent when a person entered the United States, or because immigrants didn’t want their foreign name to make them a target for discrimination. “Overall, our nation’s citizens expressed a desire to welcome newcomers from abroad so long as they are carefully processed by immigration officials and come into the country with a brand-new and completely invented name along the lines of Jones, Wilson, Armstrong, or Harris. Among poll respondents, 57% said making up last names sounded fun, and many actually had a long list of suggestions they would like to see included in any new immigration law passed by Congress.” In addition, the poll found that most Americans support an open-border policy that applies only to immigrants from northern Europe.