Bored Riot Cops Break Up Calculus Class

LOS ANGELES—Kicking down the unlocked classroom door after listlessly wandering around campus, bored riot cops reportedly broke up a calculus course at the University of California, Los Angeles, on Tuesday. “Hey guys, look—there’s some students in there,” said Los Angeles Police Department Lt. Thomas Larkins, who led a team that stormed the lecture hall, tearing laptops and calculators from the surprised undergraduates’ hands and dragging them away in handcuffs. “There’s no use in puttering around between suppressing peaceful protests. We might as well keep our muscles warmed up. Let’s not forget about the professor either.” At press time, the LAPD had issued a statement accusing the students of taking over the mathematics building.